A sweet new friend of mine recently shared the following statement with me:
"Anything worth doing is going to be painful, challenging and difficult - but it will be worth it because of the person you will be on the other side."
LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this!! I think this just became my new favorite quote of the week! That statement is so true. I am broken and messed up because I was born into my sinful nature into a sinful world. In order to perfect me, Jesus has to polish and remold me. It hurts. It's hard work. At times it's even exhausting. But He is always tender and gentle with me, and He sees the bigger picture whereas I can usually only see the here and now.
I am so very blessed to have the opportunity to do life alongside some fabulous women. These past few weeks I have been blessed to the point of tears. These gals have been dealt some terrible lots in life. Some of their past wounds and hurts are horrendous. But they have reached the point in their lives where they've declared, "Enough is enough!" They are turning to our Precious Savior and giving Him their all. It's so humbling to watch someone experience Christ's true freedom for the first time. Oh how He desires all of us to turn to Him, to release our unrealistic expectations of life, to hand back the reigns of control we only thought we were holding. And all of that hard work, all of the daily surrendering to Christ, the countless hours of denying ourselves and our sinful nature...it WILL be worth it. Christ has the most amazing plan in store for me. He desires me to become the beautiful creature He originally designed. Now I just have to continually allow Him the room and opportunity to do so.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5,6
~joyfully broken
Friday, November 12, 2010
Friday, October 29, 2010
Intimacy with Christ
Earlier this week I heard a mind-blowing message about intimacy. God desires great intimate fellowship with me. His desire is so strong, that He yearns to be to one with me. He uses earthly examples to explain this desire, such as the mystery of how a husband and a wife become “one flesh,” or how Christ is one with His bride, the Church.
“To them God has chosen to make known among the Gentiles the glorious riches of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory.” Colossians 1:27
“I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can no nothing.” John 15:5
“And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Counselor to be with you forever—the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be in you.” John 14:16-17
“Don’t you know that you yourselves are God’s temple and that God’s Spirit lives in you? If anyone destroys God’s temple, God will destroy him; for God’s temple is sacred, and you are that temple.” I Corinthians 3:16-17
The sheer concept of Christ in me baffles my mind. But then I was hit with this idea: Because the Holy Spirit lives in me, and the Spirit is part of the sacred Trinity, then that means God loves me so much that He has brought me into the sacred God-head to be in direct relation with Him and Christ.
God has gone to unbelievable lengths to be one with me, to allow me the opportunity to be in relationship with Him and Christ…but how often do my words or actions say, “I’m sorry God, but you’re not enough for me?” This revelation was heart-wrenching. The book of Isaiah often refers to Israel—God’s chosen and holy people—as a prostitute because of her unfaithfulness to God, her groom.
As I was processing all of this information, I was forced to face the question: How many times do I prostitute myself? How often do I say ‘My God is not enough; He doesn’t meet all of my desires’?
Needless to say, this message has made me do some deep reflecting, and I’m not so sure I like what I’ve been seeing. My precious God should be more than enough for me. He’s done anything and everything for me…the most important thing being saving me from an eternal life without Him. He’s forgiven me more often than I deserve, and given me an abundance of blessings I don’t deserve. He loves me unconditionally. He has never left me, betrayed me, or broken my trust. He is ever faithful, loving, and just.
So why do I continue to prostitute myself away from Him?
Oh sweet Jesus, please forgive me for my unfaithfulness. I feel like the tax collector in Luke 18, who looks to heaven, beats his chest and has no words to say other than, ‘God, have mercy on me…a sinner.’
“But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed.” Isaiah 53:5
~joyfully broken
“To them God has chosen to make known among the Gentiles the glorious riches of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory.” Colossians 1:27
“I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can no nothing.” John 15:5
“And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Counselor to be with you forever—the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be in you.” John 14:16-17
“Don’t you know that you yourselves are God’s temple and that God’s Spirit lives in you? If anyone destroys God’s temple, God will destroy him; for God’s temple is sacred, and you are that temple.” I Corinthians 3:16-17
The sheer concept of Christ in me baffles my mind. But then I was hit with this idea: Because the Holy Spirit lives in me, and the Spirit is part of the sacred Trinity, then that means God loves me so much that He has brought me into the sacred God-head to be in direct relation with Him and Christ.
God has gone to unbelievable lengths to be one with me, to allow me the opportunity to be in relationship with Him and Christ…but how often do my words or actions say, “I’m sorry God, but you’re not enough for me?” This revelation was heart-wrenching. The book of Isaiah often refers to Israel—God’s chosen and holy people—as a prostitute because of her unfaithfulness to God, her groom.
As I was processing all of this information, I was forced to face the question: How many times do I prostitute myself? How often do I say ‘My God is not enough; He doesn’t meet all of my desires’?
Needless to say, this message has made me do some deep reflecting, and I’m not so sure I like what I’ve been seeing. My precious God should be more than enough for me. He’s done anything and everything for me…the most important thing being saving me from an eternal life without Him. He’s forgiven me more often than I deserve, and given me an abundance of blessings I don’t deserve. He loves me unconditionally. He has never left me, betrayed me, or broken my trust. He is ever faithful, loving, and just.
So why do I continue to prostitute myself away from Him?
Oh sweet Jesus, please forgive me for my unfaithfulness. I feel like the tax collector in Luke 18, who looks to heaven, beats his chest and has no words to say other than, ‘God, have mercy on me…a sinner.’
“But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed.” Isaiah 53:5
~joyfully broken
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
God's Not in the Magic Wand Business
A dear friend whose husband struggles with SSA shared this poem with me last week. It touched a raw place in my heart and I’ve been meditating on it ever since. So often I expect God to wave a magic wand and “Poof!” everything will be as I expect it. Then God gently reminds me that He’s not in the magic wand business; He’s in the deep healing business and that takes time, patience, and a never wavering trust in Him.
What We Need Most
What we need most is not to hear God say yes to our requests.
What we need is to be filled with such deep confidence
in the character of our Father that when He says no,
we know He is doing what is right and good for us.
What we need most is the faith to trust him.
Some claim that strong faith is defined by throwing our energies into
begging God for a miracle that will take away our suffering,
and then believing without doubting that He will do it.
But faith is not measured by our ability to manipulate God to get what we want;
it is measured by our willingness to submit to what He wants.
It takes great faith to say to God,
“Even if you don’t heal me or the one I love,
even if you don’t change my circumstances,
even if you don’t restore this relationship,
even if you allow me to lose what is most precious to me,
I will still love you and obey you and believe that you are good.
And I believe that you, as my loving Father,
will use everything in my life—
even the hard and hurtful things—
for my ultimate good and your eternal glory,
because You love me.”
~Nancy Guthrie~
What we need most is not to hear God say yes to our requests.
What we need is to be filled with such deep confidence
in the character of our Father that when He says no,
we know He is doing what is right and good for us.
What we need most is the faith to trust him.
Some claim that strong faith is defined by throwing our energies into
begging God for a miracle that will take away our suffering,
and then believing without doubting that He will do it.
But faith is not measured by our ability to manipulate God to get what we want;
it is measured by our willingness to submit to what He wants.
It takes great faith to say to God,
“Even if you don’t heal me or the one I love,
even if you don’t change my circumstances,
even if you don’t restore this relationship,
even if you allow me to lose what is most precious to me,
I will still love you and obey you and believe that you are good.
And I believe that you, as my loving Father,
will use everything in my life—
even the hard and hurtful things—
for my ultimate good and your eternal glory,
because You love me.”
~Nancy Guthrie~
“And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light.” Colossians 1:10-12
~joyfully broken
~joyfully broken
Friday, September 24, 2010
Letting Go
To “let go” does not mean to stop caring; it means I can’t do it for someone else.
To “let go” is not to cut myself off; it’s the realization that I can’t control another.
To “let go” is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To “let go” is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To “let go” is not to try to change or blame another; it’s to make the most of myself.
To “let go” is not to care for, but to care about.
To “let go” is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To “let go” is not to be in the middle, arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.
To “let go” is not to be protective; it’s to permit another to face reality.
To “let go” is not to deny, but to accept.
To “let go” is not to nag, scold, or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To “let go” is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To “let go” is not to criticize and regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To “let go” is not to regret the past, but grow and live for the future.
To “let go” is to fear less and love more.
To “let go” is not to cut myself off; it’s the realization that I can’t control another.
To “let go” is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To “let go” is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To “let go” is not to try to change or blame another; it’s to make the most of myself.
To “let go” is not to care for, but to care about.
To “let go” is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To “let go” is not to be in the middle, arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.
To “let go” is not to be protective; it’s to permit another to face reality.
To “let go” is not to deny, but to accept.
To “let go” is not to nag, scold, or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To “let go” is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To “let go” is not to criticize and regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To “let go” is not to regret the past, but grow and live for the future.
To “let go” is to fear less and love more.
Dear God, I have tried to do it all by myself, on my own powers, and I have failed. Today, I want to turn my life over to You. I ask You to be my Lord and my Savior. You are the One and only Higher Power! I ask that You help me start to think less about me and my will. I want to daily turn my will over to You, to daily seek Your direction and wisdom for my life. Please continue to help me overcome my hurts, habits, and hang-ups and may that victory over them help others as they see Your power at work in changing my life. Help me to do Your will always. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.
(taken from Celebrate Recovery's Principle 3 Prayer)
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3:5,6
~joyfully broken
Friday, September 10, 2010
It's been awhile
It’s been some time since I’ve been on here; life has been crazy busy the past few months.
To give you a brief update, we met with our senior pastor and shared our story. Not only was he supportive and grace-filled, but he was ecstatic about the idea of starting an SSA ministry at our church. We initially just wanted to give him more information about the topic, so he and the church leadership could be better informed about how to address the issue. But our pastor took it a step further and said that more needs to be done to help any and all who are broken. He essentially told us to do whatever needed to be done and to get it started…we had his full and complete support.
I think we’re still in shock over how accepting our pastor was. I’ve spoken with other people whose lives have been affected by SSA and they have commented how envious they are about the church we attend. It’s sad that a church that loves and cares for others as Jesus did is a rarity in our culture. My prayer is that our church, and whatever ministry God allows us to begin, will be a motivator for other churches to get on board.
The past few weeks I’ve been praying about beginning another 12-Step Study. I’ve wanted to go through another study for some time now, and I especially wanted to find myself a new sponsor. In choosing a sponsor, you’re supposed to look for someone who is living out their recovery in a way that you want to model. Someone who’s working the steps and her life shows evidence of God’s healing. There are two ladies who God has laid on my heart to possibly ask…but asking means I’m going to have to get serious about working my recovery. Despite how much I want to do it, it’s still intimidating and I’ve been struggling with taking the necessary steps to talk to these women.
And then apparently God got tired of waiting on me.
This past Tuesday, I was approached by these same two women. They informed me a new Step Study was beginning and they wanted me to co-lead the group with one of them. I was blessed that I would be considered. I told them I was hesitant to do so because I never “officially” finished my last study because of issues with my previous sponsor. In essence, I never finished and shared my inventory with someone else. The two ladies looked at me, then at each, and then asked what the problem was because they were both available and would love to help.
Sometimes God’s direction is so evident that it’s almost embarrassing!
But this now means I have three weeks to finish my inventory and share it with one of the ladies. Three weeks to process all of the hurts, habits, and hang-ups. To bring to the surface all of those people who’ve hurt me. To admit and take responsibility for all of the people who I’ve hurt. I’ve got some very hard work in store for me. There's a reason I've been putting off this task...it's HARD WORK! I’m praying for discipline right now, because I know the enemy is going to do whatever he can to distract me from accomplishing this task that has been hanging over my head for the past year and a half. I would appreciate your prayers.
“I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.” Lamentations 3: 19-23
~joyfully broken
To give you a brief update, we met with our senior pastor and shared our story. Not only was he supportive and grace-filled, but he was ecstatic about the idea of starting an SSA ministry at our church. We initially just wanted to give him more information about the topic, so he and the church leadership could be better informed about how to address the issue. But our pastor took it a step further and said that more needs to be done to help any and all who are broken. He essentially told us to do whatever needed to be done and to get it started…we had his full and complete support.
I think we’re still in shock over how accepting our pastor was. I’ve spoken with other people whose lives have been affected by SSA and they have commented how envious they are about the church we attend. It’s sad that a church that loves and cares for others as Jesus did is a rarity in our culture. My prayer is that our church, and whatever ministry God allows us to begin, will be a motivator for other churches to get on board.
The past few weeks I’ve been praying about beginning another 12-Step Study. I’ve wanted to go through another study for some time now, and I especially wanted to find myself a new sponsor. In choosing a sponsor, you’re supposed to look for someone who is living out their recovery in a way that you want to model. Someone who’s working the steps and her life shows evidence of God’s healing. There are two ladies who God has laid on my heart to possibly ask…but asking means I’m going to have to get serious about working my recovery. Despite how much I want to do it, it’s still intimidating and I’ve been struggling with taking the necessary steps to talk to these women.
And then apparently God got tired of waiting on me.
This past Tuesday, I was approached by these same two women. They informed me a new Step Study was beginning and they wanted me to co-lead the group with one of them. I was blessed that I would be considered. I told them I was hesitant to do so because I never “officially” finished my last study because of issues with my previous sponsor. In essence, I never finished and shared my inventory with someone else. The two ladies looked at me, then at each, and then asked what the problem was because they were both available and would love to help.
Sometimes God’s direction is so evident that it’s almost embarrassing!
But this now means I have three weeks to finish my inventory and share it with one of the ladies. Three weeks to process all of the hurts, habits, and hang-ups. To bring to the surface all of those people who’ve hurt me. To admit and take responsibility for all of the people who I’ve hurt. I’ve got some very hard work in store for me. There's a reason I've been putting off this task...it's HARD WORK! I’m praying for discipline right now, because I know the enemy is going to do whatever he can to distract me from accomplishing this task that has been hanging over my head for the past year and a half. I would appreciate your prayers.
“I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.” Lamentations 3: 19-23
~joyfully broken
Friday, July 9, 2010
Why I Stayed
My newest reading material is Why I Stayed: The Choices I Made in My Darkest Hour by Gayle Haggard.
Here’s a brief synopsis from the jacket cover:
I’m still reading the book, as it’s not a light read and there’s plenty for me to process as I walk along their journey, but I see a wife who took her vows of “for better or worse, in sickness and in health, til death do us part” seriously. I see a wife who forgives as Christ forgave us. I see a woman who desperately and continually clings to God because He is her ultimate source of love, joy, and security. I see faith. I see hope for people who are broken and want so desperately to have their wounds healed by their Heavenly Father.
On another note, I felt I should share some amazing praises. Since we returned from Exodus a few weeks ago, we’ve been much more open about our story and what we learned while at the conference. In the short time since we’ve been home, we’ve already connected with a mom whose daughter struggles with SSA, a daughter who grew up with a dad actively living the lifestyle, a husband and wife whose son is living the lifestyle, and a guy whose friend is now dying of AIDS because of his homosexuality. In less than two weeks, we discovered all of these people…IN OUR CHURCH! Whenever we’ve mentioned wanting to talk to church leadership about starting a ministry for those who struggle with SSA, we’ve received huge excitement about the possibility. We’re blown away at how quickly we’re finding others who have been affected by this issue; it’s only confirmation that we’re on the right path God has for us.
“I will praise the Lord, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me. I have set the Lord always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.” Psalm 15:7,8
~joyfully broken
Here’s a brief synopsis from the jacket cover:
“Evangelical Leader Denies Accusation of Paying Former Gay Prostitute for Sex” ABC NewsAs you can imagine, this book was quite controversial when it debuted earlier this year. I vaguely remembered hearing about Ted and Gayle’s story in the news, but simply attributed it to another fallen pastor who lived trying to shamefully hide his lies and deception. Gayle has received harsh criticism for staying by her husband’s side. Many feel Ted’s denying his true self and living a lie. Others feel Gayle is living in complete denial and is utterly naïve to the situation. My viewpoint dramatically changed when my own story began in October 2007.
“Amid Allegations, Haggard Steps Aside” Rocky Mountain News
“Haggard Admits ‘Sexual Immorality’” MSNBC
Gayle Haggard never imagined she would be reading these headlines about her husband, Ted. She couldn’t believe her ears when she heard a man on the radio accuse Ted of using illegal drugs and having a three-year homosexual affair with him. It was inconceivable.
Ted Haggard was the senior pastor of the 14,000-member New Life Church and the highly regarded president of the National Association of Evangelicals. More importantly, he was Gayle’s loving husband of twenty-eight years, a devoted father to their five children, her closet friend, and a man she knew fully. At least, she thought she knew him fully.
But when Ted told Gayle that parts of the allegations were true, her world shattered. Suddenly, everything in her life was at stake—her beliefs, her marriage, her family and friends, and her ministry. What has happened since then is nothing short of astonishing.
I’m still reading the book, as it’s not a light read and there’s plenty for me to process as I walk along their journey, but I see a wife who took her vows of “for better or worse, in sickness and in health, til death do us part” seriously. I see a wife who forgives as Christ forgave us. I see a woman who desperately and continually clings to God because He is her ultimate source of love, joy, and security. I see faith. I see hope for people who are broken and want so desperately to have their wounds healed by their Heavenly Father.
On another note, I felt I should share some amazing praises. Since we returned from Exodus a few weeks ago, we’ve been much more open about our story and what we learned while at the conference. In the short time since we’ve been home, we’ve already connected with a mom whose daughter struggles with SSA, a daughter who grew up with a dad actively living the lifestyle, a husband and wife whose son is living the lifestyle, and a guy whose friend is now dying of AIDS because of his homosexuality. In less than two weeks, we discovered all of these people…IN OUR CHURCH! Whenever we’ve mentioned wanting to talk to church leadership about starting a ministry for those who struggle with SSA, we’ve received huge excitement about the possibility. We’re blown away at how quickly we’re finding others who have been affected by this issue; it’s only confirmation that we’re on the right path God has for us.
“I will praise the Lord, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me. I have set the Lord always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.” Psalm 15:7,8
~joyfully broken
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Steps Along the Journey
The past few months have found me continuing to be stretched and growing along this wonderful journey of growth. I have found myself denying my pride and asking for help. I have found myself sharing, on a regular basis, with an incredible accountability partner. I have found myself asking for prayer and encouragement when all I want to do is crawl into a hole of isolation and denial. I have found myself being open and transparent about my (and our) story.
It’s been painful. It’s been scary. It’s been peace-filled. And it’s been incredibly rewarding.
Just recently, God has laid it on my heart that I need to go through another 12-Step Study (via the Celebrate Recovery Ministry). I started my first Step Study in August 2008. It was life-altering. God revealed so much to me through those seven months. The three biggest ones were:
- I had made my husband my idol. He was my everything. All of my self-worth was tied up into how he looked at me, how he talked to me, how he felt about me. He was the one responsible for fulfilling all of my hopes and dreams. He was to meet my every need. He was my source of hope and joy. I had the most unreasonable expectations placed upon his shoulders because I was trying to stuff him into a hole only God can fill.
- I am a control-addict. My fears and insecurities have made me so fearful, that I try to control the people and the situations around me so I won’t get hurt. By “fixing” and “controlling” others, I could make myself feel safe, needed, and important. For the longest time I had even tried to control my husband’s healing process. I seriously thought I knew how to fix my husband better than God.
- And the most humbling revelation was that I struggle with trusting God. This is the biggest one that I’m still working through. If I truly believed He is God, then I wouldn’t have my control issues. All of my self-worth would be in Him and Him alone. I would trust Him to heal me. I would trust Him to heal my husband. I would trust Him to heal my marriage. And I would trust Him that His way is best and His timing is perfect. I was quite ashamed when I realized my lack of trust in God was actually saying I think I’m smarter than He is, because my ways, methods, and timing are better. In other words, I was idolizing myself! Ouch! Oh how it was painful when that revelation hit me.
During my first Step-Study, my life was filled with lots of painful wounds. My husband and I were separated and I didn’t know if our marriage would survive. I was terrified and timid. I was in full survival mode and only did the necessary things to live day-by-day. But my amazing Jesus helped me to pick up the shattered pieces and begin to put them back together, but in healthier ways.
Two years later, I’m at a completely different stage in my life and in my healing. There are more layers I want to peel back and examine. There are past wounds I want to heal. There are more things I want to move forward on. I’m no longer fearful about being honest with my sponsor. I no longer shy away from accountability partners. I no longer isolate when I’m hurt and wounded. I feel armed and ready to tackle this next stage of my journey.
Now I just have to pray for a new study to start. :)
“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9
~joyfully broken
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Grief
Healing is a journey; sometimes we move forward with progress, and sometimes we move a few steps back as daily we battle with our sinful nature. Last night was difficult for me as I was presented with a situation that broke some of the trust we’ve been slowly but patiently rebuilding. Despite the pain I felt (and am still feeling), I found myself taking the time to fully process my emotions. Many times I will stuff my feelings into a nice little box, and then put it away, far away from reality. One of the things God revealed to me this past weekend was I need to allow myself the time and opportunity to truly grieve painful moments. So that, my dear friends, is where I am at today.
Below is an article that has been crucial to my personal healing. The author originally wrote it in the context of grieving through the death of a loved one, but the concepts are universal when it comes to grief. Many times people gloss over the significance of a betrayal within a marriage. But marriage vows are a covenant made before God that is deemed holy. When those vows are broken, regardless of the situation, there is a death in the holiness of what God intended and grieving must take place. What’s difficult about the grieving process is it does not happen in sequential order, and the smallest instance can “trigger” you back into another stage. For example, a friend of mine’s husband disclosed some things to her while she was in their laundry room. For the longest time, whenever she entered the laundry room she found herself back in the grieving process as that room triggered her pain. A song, a movie, even a particular smell can be a grief trigger.
I’ve modified certain sections of the article so it applies to a marriage affected by betrayal. You will notice my changes by the [brackets].
The Five Stages of Grief
by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and David Kessler
The five stages, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with [what we’ve] lost. They are tools to help us frame and identify what we may be feeling. But they are not stops on some linear timeline in grief. Not everyone goes through all of them or in a prescribed order. Our hope is that with these stages comes the knowledge of grief’s terrain, making us better equipped to cope with life and loss.
Denial
This first stage of grieving helps us to survive the loss. In this stage, the world becomes meaningless and overwhelming. Life makes no sense. We are in a state of shock and denial. We go numb. We wonder how we can go on, if we can go on, why we should go on. We try to find a way to simply get through each day. Denial and shock help us to cope and make survival possible. Denial helps us to pace our feelings of grief. There is a grace in denial. It is nature’s way of letting in only as much as we can handle.
As you accept the reality of the loss and start to ask yourself questions, you are unknowingly beginning the healing process. You are becoming stronger, and the denial is beginning to fade. But as you proceed, all the feelings you were denying begin to surface.
Anger
Anger is a necessary stage of the healing process. Be willing to feel your anger, even though it may seem endless. The more you truly feel it, the more it will begin to dissipate and the more you will heal. There are many other emotions under the anger and you will get to them in time, but anger is the emotion we are most used to managing. The truth is that anger has no limits. It can extend not only to your friends, your family, yourself, and your [spouse], but also to God. You may ask, "Where is God in this?
Underneath anger is pain, your pain. It is natural to feel deserted and abandoned, but we live in a society that fears anger. Anger is strength and it can be an anchor, giving temporary structure to the nothingness of loss. At first grief feels like being lost at sea: no connection to anything. Then you get angry at someone, maybe a person who [you don’t feel support from], maybe a person who isn’t around, maybe a person who [treats you] different now that [they know your situation, and most often, you become increasingly angry at your spouse]. Suddenly you have a structure—your anger toward them. The anger becomes a bridge over the open sea, a connection from you to them. It is something to hold onto; and a connection made from the strength of anger feels better than nothing. We usually know more about suppressing anger than feeling it. The anger is just another indication of the intensity of your love [and the intensity of your pain. It is important to note, however, that often times wives can become stuck in this stage of grief. They feel a sense of renewed power and protection over their wounds, and their anger can soon give way to consuming them. What is important to remember is to allow oneself the ability to process through this stage, but not become stuck within it.]
Bargaining
Before a loss, it seems like you will do anything if only your loved one would [be “normal” or “healthy”]. “Please God,” you bargain, “I will never do ____ [if you make everything okay”]. After a loss, bargaining may take the form of a temporary truce. “What if I devote the rest of my life to helping others. Then can I wake up and realize this has all been a bad dream?”
We become lost in a maze of “If only…” or “What if…” statements. We want life returned to what is was; we want our loved one restored. We want to go back in time: find [when the addition started, when the marital problems began]…if only, if only, if only. Guilt is often bargaining’s companion. The “if onlys” cause us to find fault in ourselves and what we “think” we could have done differently. We may even bargain with the pain. We will do anything not to feel the pain of this loss. We remain in the past, trying to negotiate our way out of the hurt. People often think of the stages as lasting weeks or months. They forget that the stages are responses to feelings that can last for minutes or hours as we flip in and out of one and then another. We do not enter and leave each individual stage in a linear fashion. We may feel one, then another and back again to the first one.
Depression
After bargaining, our attention moves squarely into the present. Empty feelings present themselves, and grief enters our lives on a deeper level—deeper than we ever imagined. This depressive stage feels as though it will last forever. It’s important to understand that this depression is not a sign of mental illness. It is the appropriate response to a great loss. We withdraw from life, left in a fog of intense sadness, wondering, perhaps, if there is any point in going on? Why go on at all? Depression after a loss is too often seen as unnatural: a state to be fixed, something to snap out of. The first question to ask yourself is whether or not the situation you’re in is actually depressing. The loss [you’ve experienced] is a very depressing situation, and depression is a normal and appropriate response. To not experience depression after [an addict’s disclosure] would be unusual. When a loss fully settles in your soul, the realization that you, [your spouse, and your marriage are not healthy] is understandably depressing. If grief is a process of healing, then depression is one of the many necessary steps along the way.
Acceptance
Acceptance is often confused with the notion of being “all right” or “OK” with what has happened. This is not the case. Most people don’t ever feel OK or all right about [what they’ve experienced]. This stage is about accepting the reality that [you, your spouse, and your marriage are not healthy and need healing], and recognizing that this new reality is the permanent reality. We will never like this reality or make it OK, but eventually we accept it. We learn to live with it. It is the new norm with which we must learn to live. We must try to live now in a world where [we recognize our marriage is broken]. In resisting this new norm, at first many people want to maintain life as it was before [the disclosure]. In time, through bits and pieces of acceptance, however, we see that we cannot maintain the past intact. It has been forever changed and we must readjust. We must learn to reorganize roles, [we must learn to begin to heal ourselves and our marriage, we must learn to forgive one another for past hurts, and we must learn how to rebuild trust and intimacy].
Finding acceptance may be just having more good days than bad ones. As we begin to live again and enjoy our life, we often feel that in doing so, we are betraying [ourselves and the pain we’ve experienced]. We can never replace what has been lost, but we can [heal and begin to move forward, we can rebuild] meaningful relationships, [we can learn to trust again]. Instead of denying our feelings, we listen to our needs; we move, we change, we grow, we evolve. We may start to reach out to others and become involved in their lives. We invest in our friendships and in our relationship with ourselves. We begin to live again, but we cannot do so until we have given grief its time.
Thank you for walking along with me in this journey.
~joyfully broken
Below is an article that has been crucial to my personal healing. The author originally wrote it in the context of grieving through the death of a loved one, but the concepts are universal when it comes to grief. Many times people gloss over the significance of a betrayal within a marriage. But marriage vows are a covenant made before God that is deemed holy. When those vows are broken, regardless of the situation, there is a death in the holiness of what God intended and grieving must take place. What’s difficult about the grieving process is it does not happen in sequential order, and the smallest instance can “trigger” you back into another stage. For example, a friend of mine’s husband disclosed some things to her while she was in their laundry room. For the longest time, whenever she entered the laundry room she found herself back in the grieving process as that room triggered her pain. A song, a movie, even a particular smell can be a grief trigger.
I’ve modified certain sections of the article so it applies to a marriage affected by betrayal. You will notice my changes by the [brackets].
The Five Stages of Grief
by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and David Kessler
The five stages, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with [what we’ve] lost. They are tools to help us frame and identify what we may be feeling. But they are not stops on some linear timeline in grief. Not everyone goes through all of them or in a prescribed order. Our hope is that with these stages comes the knowledge of grief’s terrain, making us better equipped to cope with life and loss.
Denial
This first stage of grieving helps us to survive the loss. In this stage, the world becomes meaningless and overwhelming. Life makes no sense. We are in a state of shock and denial. We go numb. We wonder how we can go on, if we can go on, why we should go on. We try to find a way to simply get through each day. Denial and shock help us to cope and make survival possible. Denial helps us to pace our feelings of grief. There is a grace in denial. It is nature’s way of letting in only as much as we can handle.
As you accept the reality of the loss and start to ask yourself questions, you are unknowingly beginning the healing process. You are becoming stronger, and the denial is beginning to fade. But as you proceed, all the feelings you were denying begin to surface.
Anger
Anger is a necessary stage of the healing process. Be willing to feel your anger, even though it may seem endless. The more you truly feel it, the more it will begin to dissipate and the more you will heal. There are many other emotions under the anger and you will get to them in time, but anger is the emotion we are most used to managing. The truth is that anger has no limits. It can extend not only to your friends, your family, yourself, and your [spouse], but also to God. You may ask, "Where is God in this?
Underneath anger is pain, your pain. It is natural to feel deserted and abandoned, but we live in a society that fears anger. Anger is strength and it can be an anchor, giving temporary structure to the nothingness of loss. At first grief feels like being lost at sea: no connection to anything. Then you get angry at someone, maybe a person who [you don’t feel support from], maybe a person who isn’t around, maybe a person who [treats you] different now that [they know your situation, and most often, you become increasingly angry at your spouse]. Suddenly you have a structure—your anger toward them. The anger becomes a bridge over the open sea, a connection from you to them. It is something to hold onto; and a connection made from the strength of anger feels better than nothing. We usually know more about suppressing anger than feeling it. The anger is just another indication of the intensity of your love [and the intensity of your pain. It is important to note, however, that often times wives can become stuck in this stage of grief. They feel a sense of renewed power and protection over their wounds, and their anger can soon give way to consuming them. What is important to remember is to allow oneself the ability to process through this stage, but not become stuck within it.]
Bargaining
Before a loss, it seems like you will do anything if only your loved one would [be “normal” or “healthy”]. “Please God,” you bargain, “I will never do ____ [if you make everything okay”]. After a loss, bargaining may take the form of a temporary truce. “What if I devote the rest of my life to helping others. Then can I wake up and realize this has all been a bad dream?”
We become lost in a maze of “If only…” or “What if…” statements. We want life returned to what is was; we want our loved one restored. We want to go back in time: find [when the addition started, when the marital problems began]…if only, if only, if only. Guilt is often bargaining’s companion. The “if onlys” cause us to find fault in ourselves and what we “think” we could have done differently. We may even bargain with the pain. We will do anything not to feel the pain of this loss. We remain in the past, trying to negotiate our way out of the hurt. People often think of the stages as lasting weeks or months. They forget that the stages are responses to feelings that can last for minutes or hours as we flip in and out of one and then another. We do not enter and leave each individual stage in a linear fashion. We may feel one, then another and back again to the first one.
Depression
After bargaining, our attention moves squarely into the present. Empty feelings present themselves, and grief enters our lives on a deeper level—deeper than we ever imagined. This depressive stage feels as though it will last forever. It’s important to understand that this depression is not a sign of mental illness. It is the appropriate response to a great loss. We withdraw from life, left in a fog of intense sadness, wondering, perhaps, if there is any point in going on? Why go on at all? Depression after a loss is too often seen as unnatural: a state to be fixed, something to snap out of. The first question to ask yourself is whether or not the situation you’re in is actually depressing. The loss [you’ve experienced] is a very depressing situation, and depression is a normal and appropriate response. To not experience depression after [an addict’s disclosure] would be unusual. When a loss fully settles in your soul, the realization that you, [your spouse, and your marriage are not healthy] is understandably depressing. If grief is a process of healing, then depression is one of the many necessary steps along the way.
Acceptance
Acceptance is often confused with the notion of being “all right” or “OK” with what has happened. This is not the case. Most people don’t ever feel OK or all right about [what they’ve experienced]. This stage is about accepting the reality that [you, your spouse, and your marriage are not healthy and need healing], and recognizing that this new reality is the permanent reality. We will never like this reality or make it OK, but eventually we accept it. We learn to live with it. It is the new norm with which we must learn to live. We must try to live now in a world where [we recognize our marriage is broken]. In resisting this new norm, at first many people want to maintain life as it was before [the disclosure]. In time, through bits and pieces of acceptance, however, we see that we cannot maintain the past intact. It has been forever changed and we must readjust. We must learn to reorganize roles, [we must learn to begin to heal ourselves and our marriage, we must learn to forgive one another for past hurts, and we must learn how to rebuild trust and intimacy].
Finding acceptance may be just having more good days than bad ones. As we begin to live again and enjoy our life, we often feel that in doing so, we are betraying [ourselves and the pain we’ve experienced]. We can never replace what has been lost, but we can [heal and begin to move forward, we can rebuild] meaningful relationships, [we can learn to trust again]. Instead of denying our feelings, we listen to our needs; we move, we change, we grow, we evolve. We may start to reach out to others and become involved in their lives. We invest in our friendships and in our relationship with ourselves. We begin to live again, but we cannot do so until we have given grief its time.
Thank you for walking along with me in this journey.
~joyfully broken
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
YES
In case I didn’t quite hear God correctly regarding sharing my story, He felt I needed to hear a specific message last night in our Recovery ministry titled, “YES.” Here is a short summary of the message:
Yield myself to God’s plan
God desires me to find victory so I can tell my story to others. I must deny myself and my pride so I can humbly present myself to Him and others. He reaches others through what He does in and through me.
“All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.” 2 Corinthians 1:3,4
Example is what’s important
If I want to share Christ with others, I need to live so they can see what Christ has done to and in me. What kind of example am I being? Am I living in such a way that others are able to witness the amazing victories and freedoms Christ has given me?
“Choose a good reputation over great riches; being held in high esteem is better than silver or gold.” Proverbs 22:1
“The purpose of my instruction is that all believers would be filled with love that comes from a pure heart, a clear conscience, and genuine faith.” I Timothy 1:5
Serve others
Tell my story. What do I relate to better…a book by some well-schooled professional…a song I hear by an unknown band on the radio…a sermon preached from the pulpit…or someone’s personal story of heartache, redemption, grace, and victory? God never wastes a hurt. My story is meant to glorify Him, and in doing so, I’m serving others by ministering to them.
“And since I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you ought to wash each other’s feet. I have given you an example to follow. Do as I have done to you.” John 13:14,15
As I sat through the message, I couldn’t help but to smile and feel His glorious peace and joy fill me. I have a Lord who loves me so, so much, that He felt I needed that extra hug of comfort and affirmation last night. Oh how I love my precious Jesus!
~joyfully broken
Yield myself to God’s plan
God desires me to find victory so I can tell my story to others. I must deny myself and my pride so I can humbly present myself to Him and others. He reaches others through what He does in and through me.
“All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.” 2 Corinthians 1:3,4
Example is what’s important
If I want to share Christ with others, I need to live so they can see what Christ has done to and in me. What kind of example am I being? Am I living in such a way that others are able to witness the amazing victories and freedoms Christ has given me?
“Choose a good reputation over great riches; being held in high esteem is better than silver or gold.” Proverbs 22:1
“The purpose of my instruction is that all believers would be filled with love that comes from a pure heart, a clear conscience, and genuine faith.” I Timothy 1:5
Serve others
Tell my story. What do I relate to better…a book by some well-schooled professional…a song I hear by an unknown band on the radio…a sermon preached from the pulpit…or someone’s personal story of heartache, redemption, grace, and victory? God never wastes a hurt. My story is meant to glorify Him, and in doing so, I’m serving others by ministering to them.
“And since I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you ought to wash each other’s feet. I have given you an example to follow. Do as I have done to you.” John 13:14,15
As I sat through the message, I couldn’t help but to smile and feel His glorious peace and joy fill me. I have a Lord who loves me so, so much, that He felt I needed that extra hug of comfort and affirmation last night. Oh how I love my precious Jesus!
~joyfully broken
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Blessings
This past weekend I had the amazing opportunity to attend my first Exodus International Freedom Conference. A few years ago I attended a mini-regional conference, but it was nothing in comparison. A few years ago it was much smaller, shorter, and I went by myself as my husband and I had recently separated. This time not only have we been reconciled for 1 1/2 years, but he attended as well.
To say I was blessed is an understatement. I think I'm still processing the right words to describe just how much God did for me (and us) during those few days.
The first thing I noticed was the most amazing sense of FREEDOM. There was no more walking on egg-shells about saying the right thing, or not saying something. There were no mincing of words to make sure someone wasn't offended, or the wrong thing assumed. There was no worrying about whether or not people were "safe" or would start rumors about what was shared. I could freely say, "I am a spouse of a husband who struggles with SSA" and feel no judgment or condemnation. Rather than uncomfortable looks or stares, I got hugs and encouragement. For the first time, I felt like my protective mask was finally off. I could be me and my husband and I could be us in our purest forms.
The second thing I noticed was the instant and deep friendships and bonds that were developed. We sat with other couples who have been there, are still there, and are walking their own journeys right alongside us. We could openly share about our struggles, hurts, and victories, and not only do they understand, but have walked the same paths. Even when we'd talk with people who weren't couples, but individual strugglers, or family members, there is an instant connection that is difficult to explain. There is just something about people taking off their masks, and being completely vulnerable and transparent with one another. In a way, I felt I experienced a little piece of heaven...we were fellowshipping and treating one another as God intended us to.
The third thing God revealed to me was how far I (and we) have come from that life-altering day in October 2007. As workshops were given and testimonies were shared, I marveled at where I had been and where God has me now. But on the same token, God also showed me how much further I still have to go. I have some wounds I thought had healed, but this weekend revealed I had only put band-aids on as they were still very raw and needed to be addressed.
And lastly, God encouraged me that it's time for me to step out of my comfort zone and begin using my journey for His glory. Within the next few weeks we are meeting with our senior pastor to discuss starting an SSA ministry/support group in our church. Our Recovery ministry has already expressed an interest, but they've needed leaders and more information to do so. This is a huge step of faith for each of us, as know we are going to be attacked for our obedience. But from the beginning of our healing journey, I have felt called into this type of ministry...but it wasn't until this past weekend where I felt released to go and begin it.
I'm scared, and excited, and terrified, and encouraged all at the same time. But I know I have God always watching over me and always going before me.
I'm so excited at what He has in store...
"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death." Romans 8:1,2
~joyfully broken
To say I was blessed is an understatement. I think I'm still processing the right words to describe just how much God did for me (and us) during those few days.
The first thing I noticed was the most amazing sense of FREEDOM. There was no more walking on egg-shells about saying the right thing, or not saying something. There were no mincing of words to make sure someone wasn't offended, or the wrong thing assumed. There was no worrying about whether or not people were "safe" or would start rumors about what was shared. I could freely say, "I am a spouse of a husband who struggles with SSA" and feel no judgment or condemnation. Rather than uncomfortable looks or stares, I got hugs and encouragement. For the first time, I felt like my protective mask was finally off. I could be me and my husband and I could be us in our purest forms.
The second thing I noticed was the instant and deep friendships and bonds that were developed. We sat with other couples who have been there, are still there, and are walking their own journeys right alongside us. We could openly share about our struggles, hurts, and victories, and not only do they understand, but have walked the same paths. Even when we'd talk with people who weren't couples, but individual strugglers, or family members, there is an instant connection that is difficult to explain. There is just something about people taking off their masks, and being completely vulnerable and transparent with one another. In a way, I felt I experienced a little piece of heaven...we were fellowshipping and treating one another as God intended us to.
The third thing God revealed to me was how far I (and we) have come from that life-altering day in October 2007. As workshops were given and testimonies were shared, I marveled at where I had been and where God has me now. But on the same token, God also showed me how much further I still have to go. I have some wounds I thought had healed, but this weekend revealed I had only put band-aids on as they were still very raw and needed to be addressed.
And lastly, God encouraged me that it's time for me to step out of my comfort zone and begin using my journey for His glory. Within the next few weeks we are meeting with our senior pastor to discuss starting an SSA ministry/support group in our church. Our Recovery ministry has already expressed an interest, but they've needed leaders and more information to do so. This is a huge step of faith for each of us, as know we are going to be attacked for our obedience. But from the beginning of our healing journey, I have felt called into this type of ministry...but it wasn't until this past weekend where I felt released to go and begin it.
I'm scared, and excited, and terrified, and encouraged all at the same time. But I know I have God always watching over me and always going before me.
I'm so excited at what He has in store...
"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death." Romans 8:1,2
~joyfully broken
Monday, June 28, 2010
Welcome
For the past few years, God has been laying this page on my heart…I just never knew the details of it until now. The purpose of this page is multi-faceted: to journal, to process, to share with others, to minister, and to glorify the awesome God who is forever taking me on my journey of being joyfully broken.
As David wrote in Psalm 51:17, “The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.” A few years ago I found myself utterly and completely broken before Him; everything I thought I knew and everything I held dear to my heart was shattered. I spent months picking up the pieces of my life and ever so slowly began handing each broken piece to my Savior so He could carefully put them back together. It was during that process that I started to find my true JOY. My God loves me so much more than I can begin to comprehend, and my painful times are never meant to punish, but to cleanse and purify so He can mold me into the beautiful creation He intended.
My prayer is others can learn and be encouraged from my journey as God never wastes a hurt. So welcome…I hope you’re ready for a journey that has forever changed my life.
“Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.” Romans 12:12
~joyfully broken
As David wrote in Psalm 51:17, “The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.” A few years ago I found myself utterly and completely broken before Him; everything I thought I knew and everything I held dear to my heart was shattered. I spent months picking up the pieces of my life and ever so slowly began handing each broken piece to my Savior so He could carefully put them back together. It was during that process that I started to find my true JOY. My God loves me so much more than I can begin to comprehend, and my painful times are never meant to punish, but to cleanse and purify so He can mold me into the beautiful creation He intended.
My prayer is others can learn and be encouraged from my journey as God never wastes a hurt. So welcome…I hope you’re ready for a journey that has forever changed my life.
“Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.” Romans 12:12
~joyfully broken
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