Why I Stayed

My newest reading material is Why I Stayed: The Choices I Made in My Darkest Hour by Gayle Haggard.

Here’s a brief synopsis from the jacket cover:

“Evangelical Leader Denies Accusation of Paying Former Gay Prostitute for Sex” ABC News

“Amid Allegations, Haggard Steps Aside” Rocky Mountain News

“Haggard Admits ‘Sexual Immorality’” MSNBC

Gayle Haggard never imagined she would be reading these headlines about her husband, Ted. She couldn’t believe her ears when she heard a man on the radio accuse Ted of using illegal drugs and having a three-year homosexual affair with him. It was inconceivable.

Ted Haggard was the senior pastor of the 14,000-member New Life Church and the highly regarded president of the National Association of Evangelicals. More importantly, he was Gayle’s loving husband of twenty-eight years, a devoted father to their five children, her closet friend, and a man she knew fully. At least, she thought she knew him fully.

But when Ted told Gayle that parts of the allegations were true, her world shattered. Suddenly, everything in her life was at stake—her beliefs, her marriage, her family and friends, and her ministry. What has happened since then is nothing short of astonishing.

As you can imagine, this book was quite controversial when it debuted earlier this year. I vaguely remembered hearing about Ted and Gayle’s story in the news, but simply attributed it to another fallen pastor who lived trying to shamefully hide his lies and deception. Gayle has received harsh criticism for staying by her husband’s side. Many feel Ted’s denying his true self and living a lie. Others feel Gayle is living in complete denial and is utterly naïve to the situation. My viewpoint dramatically changed when my own story began in October 2007.

I’m still reading the book, as it’s not a light read and there’s plenty for me to process as I walk along their journey, but I see a wife who took her vows of “for better or worse, in sickness and in health, til death do us part” seriously. I see a wife who forgives as Christ forgave us. I see a woman who desperately and continually clings to God because He is her ultimate source of love, joy, and security. I see faith. I see hope for people who are broken and want so desperately to have their wounds healed by their Heavenly Father.

On another note, I felt I should share some amazing praises. Since we returned from Exodus a few weeks ago, we’ve been much more open about our story and what we learned while at the conference. In the short time since we’ve been home, we’ve already connected with a mom whose daughter struggles with SSA, a daughter who grew up with a dad actively living the lifestyle, a husband and wife whose son is living the lifestyle, and a guy whose friend is now dying of AIDS because of his homosexuality. In less than two weeks, we discovered all of these people…IN OUR CHURCH! Whenever we’ve mentioned wanting to talk to church leadership about starting a ministry for those who struggle with SSA, we’ve received huge excitement about the possibility. We’re blown away at how quickly we’re finding others who have been affected by this issue; it’s only confirmation that we’re on the right path God has for us.

“I will praise the Lord, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me. I have set the Lord always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.” Psalm 15:7,8

~joyfully broken

Steps Along the Journey

The past few months have found me continuing to be stretched and growing along this wonderful journey of growth. I have found myself denying my pride and asking for help. I have found myself sharing, on a regular basis, with an incredible accountability partner. I have found myself asking for prayer and encouragement when all I want to do is crawl into a hole of isolation and denial. I have found myself being open and transparent about my (and our) story.

It’s been painful. It’s been scary. It’s been peace-filled. And it’s been incredibly rewarding.

Just recently, God has laid it on my heart that I need to go through another 12-Step Study (via the Celebrate Recovery Ministry). I started my first Step Study in August 2008. It was life-altering. God revealed so much to me through those seven months. The three biggest ones were:

1. I had made my husband my idol. He was my everything. All of my self-worth was tied up into how he looked at me, how he talked to me, how he felt about me. He was the one responsible for fulfilling all of my hopes and dreams. He was to meet my every need. He was my source of hope and joy. I had the most unreasonable expectations placed upon his shoulders because I was trying to stuff him into a hole only God can fill.
2. I am a control-addict. My fears and insecurities have made me so fearful, that I try to control the people and the situations around me so I won’t get hurt. By “fixing” and “controlling” others, I could make myself feel safe, needed, and important. For the longest time I had even tried to control my husband’s healing process. I seriously thought I knew how to fix my husband better than God.
3. And the most humbling revelation was that I struggle with trusting God. This is the biggest one that I’m still working through. If I truly believed He is God, then I wouldn’t have my control issues. All of my self-worth would be in Him and Him alone. I would trust Him to heal me. I would trust Him to heal my husband. I would trust Him to heal my marriage. And I would trust Him that His way is best and His timing is perfect. I was quite ashamed when I realized my lack of trust in God was actually saying I think I’m smarter than He is, because my ways, methods, and timing are better. In other words, I was idolizing myself! Ouch! Oh how it was painful when that revelation hit me.

During my first Step-Study, my life was filled with lots of painful wounds. My husband and I were separated and I didn’t know if our marriage would survive. I was terrified and timid. I was in full survival mode and only did the necessary things to live day-by-day. But my amazing Jesus helped me to pick up the shattered pieces and begin to put them back together, but in healthier ways.

Two years later, I’m at a completely different stage in my life and in my healing. There are more layers I want to peel back and examine. There are past wounds I want to heal. There are more things I want to move forward on. I’m no longer fearful about being honest with my sponsor. I no longer shy away from accountability partners. I no longer isolate when I’m hurt and wounded. I feel armed and ready to tackle this next stage of my journey.

Now I just have to pray for a new study to start. :)

“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9

~joyfully broken

Grief

Healing is a journey; sometimes we move forward with progress, and sometimes we move a few steps back as daily we battle with our sinful nature. Last night was difficult for me as I was presented with a situation that broke some of the trust we’ve been slowly but patiently rebuilding. Despite the pain I felt (and am still feeling), I found myself taking the time to fully process my emotions. Many times I will stuff my feelings into a nice little box, and then put it away, far away from reality. One of the things God revealed to me this past weekend was I need to allow myself the time and opportunity to truly grieve painful moments. So that, my dear friends, is where I am at today.

Below is an article that has been crucial to my personal healing. The author originally wrote it in the context of grieving through the death of a loved one, but the concepts are universal when it comes to grief. Many times people gloss over the significance of a betrayal within a marriage. But marriage vows are a covenant made before God that is deemed holy. When those vows are broken, regardless of the situation, there is a death in the holiness of what God intended and grieving must take place. What’s difficult about the grieving process is it does not happen in sequential order, and the smallest instance can “trigger” you back into another stage. For example, a friend of mine’s husband disclosed some things to her while she was in their laundry room. For the longest time, whenever she entered the laundry room she found herself back in the grieving process as that room triggered her pain. A song, a movie, even a particular smell can be a grief trigger.

I’ve modified certain sections of the article so it applies to a marriage affected by betrayal. You will notice my changes by the [brackets].

The Five Stages of Grief
by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and David Kessler

The five stages, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with [what we’ve] lost. They are tools to help us frame and identify what we may be feeling. But they are not stops on some linear timeline in grief. Not everyone goes through all of them or in a prescribed order. Our hope is that with these stages comes the knowledge of grief’s terrain, making us better equipped to cope with life and loss.

Denial
This first stage of grieving helps us to survive the loss. In this stage, the world becomes meaningless and overwhelming. Life makes no sense. We are in a state of shock and denial. We go numb. We wonder how we can go on, if we can go on, why we should go on. We try to find a way to simply get through each day. Denial and shock help us to cope and make survival possible. Denial helps us to pace our feelings of grief. There is a grace in denial. It is nature’s way of letting in only as much as we can handle.

As you accept the reality of the loss and start to ask yourself questions, you are unknowingly beginning the healing process. You are becoming stronger, and the denial is beginning to fade. But as you proceed, all the feelings you were denying begin to surface.

Anger
Anger is a necessary stage of the healing process. Be willing to feel your anger, even though it may seem endless. The more you truly feel it, the more it will begin to dissipate and the more you will heal. There are many other emotions under the anger and you will get to them in time, but anger is the emotion we are most used to managing. The truth is that anger has no limits. It can extend not only to your friends, your family, yourself, and your [spouse], but also to God. You may ask, "Where is God in this?

Underneath anger is pain, your pain. It is natural to feel deserted and abandoned, but we live in a society that fears anger. Anger is strength and it can be an anchor, giving temporary structure to the nothingness of loss. At first grief feels like being lost at sea: no connection to anything. Then you get angry at someone, maybe a person who [you don’t feel support from], maybe a person who isn’t around, maybe a person who [treats you] different now that [they know your situation, and most often, you become increasingly angry at your spouse]. Suddenly you have a structure—your anger toward them. The anger becomes a bridge over the open sea, a connection from you to them. It is something to hold onto; and a connection made from the strength of anger feels better than nothing. We usually know more about suppressing anger than feeling it. The anger is just another indication of the intensity of your love [and the intensity of your pain. It is important to note, however, that often times wives can become stuck in this stage of grief. They feel a sense of renewed power and protection over their wounds, and their anger can soon give way to consuming them. What is important to remember is to allow oneself the ability to process through this stage, but not become stuck within it.]

Bargaining
Before a loss, it seems like you will do anything if only your loved one would [be “normal” or “healthy”]. “Please God,” you bargain, “I will never do ____ [if you make everything okay”]. After a loss, bargaining may take the form of a temporary truce. “What if I devote the rest of my life to helping others. Then can I wake up and realize this has all been a bad dream?”

We become lost in a maze of “If only…” or “What if…” statements. We want life returned to what is was; we want our loved one restored. We want to go back in time: find [when the addition started, when the marital problems began]…if only, if only, if only. Guilt is often bargaining’s companion. The “if onlys” cause us to find fault in ourselves and what we “think” we could have done differently. We may even bargain with the pain. We will do anything not to feel the pain of this loss. We remain in the past, trying to negotiate our way out of the hurt. People often think of the stages as lasting weeks or months. They forget that the stages are responses to feelings that can last for minutes or hours as we flip in and out of one and then another. We do not enter and leave each individual stage in a linear fashion. We may feel one, then another and back again to the first one.

Depression
After bargaining, our attention moves squarely into the present. Empty feelings present themselves, and grief enters our lives on a deeper level—deeper than we ever imagined. This depressive stage feels as though it will last forever. It’s important to understand that this depression is not a sign of mental illness. It is the appropriate response to a great loss. We withdraw from life, left in a fog of intense sadness, wondering, perhaps, if there is any point in going on? Why go on at all? Depression after a loss is too often seen as unnatural: a state to be fixed, something to snap out of. The first question to ask yourself is whether or not the situation you’re in is actually depressing. The loss [you’ve experienced] is a very depressing situation, and depression is a normal and appropriate response. To not experience depression after [an addict’s disclosure] would be unusual. When a loss fully settles in your soul, the realization that you, [your spouse, and your marriage are not healthy] is understandably depressing. If grief is a process of healing, then depression is one of the many necessary steps along the way.

Acceptance
Acceptance is often confused with the notion of being “all right” or “OK” with what has happened. This is not the case. Most people don’t ever feel OK or all right about [what they’ve experienced]. This stage is about accepting the reality that [you, your spouse, and your marriage are not healthy and need healing], and recognizing that this new reality is the permanent reality. We will never like this reality or make it OK, but eventually we accept it. We learn to live with it. It is the new norm with which we must learn to live. We must try to live now in a world where [we recognize our marriage is broken]. In resisting this new norm, at first many people want to maintain life as it was before [the disclosure]. In time, through bits and pieces of acceptance, however, we see that we cannot maintain the past intact. It has been forever changed and we must readjust. We must learn to reorganize roles, [we must learn to begin to heal ourselves and our marriage, we must learn to forgive one another for past hurts, and we must learn how to rebuild trust and intimacy].

Finding acceptance may be just having more good days than bad ones. As we begin to live again and enjoy our life, we often feel that in doing so, we are betraying [ourselves and the pain we’ve experienced]. We can never replace what has been lost, but we can [heal and begin to move forward, we can rebuild] meaningful relationships, [we can learn to trust again]. Instead of denying our feelings, we listen to our needs; we move, we change, we grow, we evolve. We may start to reach out to others and become involved in their lives. We invest in our friendships and in our relationship with ourselves. We begin to live again, but we cannot do so until we have given grief its time.

Thank you for walking along with me in this journey.

~joyfully broken