Reflections

As this is the first month of a new year, I’ve been spending quite a bit of time reflecting on what God has done in my life the past few years. As usual, I’m in humbled awe. I’m beyond blessed by what God has orchestrated in my life, and felt led to share a little more of our story:

In 2007 God allowed two very broken sinners to marry one another. The first few months of the marriage were far from pleasant. My husband had hidden addictions and I had extremely unrealistic expectations. To compensate for our flaws, my husband was perpetually angry at me and the rest of the world, and I constantly tried to control and manipulate him and every situation around me. Our home was full of lots of hurt and heartache.

Seven months later, God laid it on my husband’s heart to come clean about his addictions. He did and my world shattered. We sought counsel, and were given horrible advice. We pressed on and sought more counsel. This time we were right where God wanted us to be. God began to surround us with godly, grace-filled people who started us on the path of recovery.

But it was far from easy. A few months later, now into 2008, we were encouraged by our counselor to separate. We were too unhealthy for one another and only causing one another more pain and heartache. It was a decision we did not enter into lightly, and Valentine’s weekend my husband moved out.

The months that followed were heart-wrenching. It was during our separation that God was able to get a hold of each one of us…first as individuals, then as a couple. It was also during this time that we each found the Celebrate Recovery ministry. I dove headfirst into my first Step Study. It was then that I finally allowed God to get a hold of my heart…and He’s never let go since. I started to learn to give up my control, stop holding myself and others to unrealistic expectations, let go of past resentments and bitterness, find my self-worth in Christ and not others, live a life full of grace and forgiveness, and become vulnerable enough to allow God the opportunity to heal me.

Nine months after we separated, and after much prayer from our faithful friends and family, we moved back in together. To be honest, we were terrified. Our marriage had been so horrible beforehand, neither one of us wanted to ever experience that type of situation again. But we both felt called to obey what God was telling us, so we took a huge step of faith. And God has blessed us tremendously for that obedience.

Here we are today; over two years have passed since we moved back in. We haven’t been without our struggles or trials, but we’ve never once regretted the decision to reconcile. Our marriage is now full of love, respect, trust, communication, and honesty. We love each other more than we ever thought was humanly possible. We support one another. We pray for and with one another. We laugh together.

In addition to the miraculous healing of our marriage, God has also blessed us with some amazing friends who have helped us walk on this journey. Friends who we consider family. Friends who have never judged, criticized, or condemned, but have helped to hold us up when we thought we couldn’t walk any further. When I get to experience relationships like these, I feel as if God has just blessed me with a little glimpse of heaven.

My husband and I don’t have much when it comes to worldly standards. We don’t have the latest and greatest of gadgets, toys, or cars. But we do have a marriage that honors Him. We have friends and family to do life with. And most importantly, we have our never-wavering relationship with our precious Savior who loves us enough to never give up on us, never condemn and shame us, and wants only what’s best for us. All praise and honor belongs to our precious Jesus.

“Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.” Matthew 6:33 (NLT)

~joyfully broken

If I’m not Recovering, I’m Relapsing

Last month I had unexpected surgery and was home recovering for a few weeks. Lots of friends and family checked in on me and asked how I was doing. My response was almost always the same: “The doctor says I’m recovering wonderfully, but I’m not healing as fast as I want.” This was usually followed by a few chuckles, as people told me they completely understood.

And then today it hit me. How often have I told God that same statement, not regarding my physical healing, but in reference to my own recovery journey? How often have I screamed at God that He wasn’t healing me, my marriage, or my husband fast enough?

“God says I’m recovering wonderfully, I’m right where He wants me to be, I’m doing exactly what He’s asked of me…but it’s simply not good enough for me.”

Ouch. For the record, I detest my horrible pride and I am NEVER comfortable with the revelations God gives me, because usually the problem is always me. I tend to get in the way of me. And if I would only get out of my way, then God can grow and bless me far beyond what I think I actually want.

This past week I was immensely blessed to hear a sweet friend share her testimony. She has an amazing story of pain, hurt, stubbornness, salvation, grace, redemption, and reconciliation. God’s hands and work are so evident in her life, and she continually overflows with the sheer joy He has brought her. Her entire testimony is amazing, but the one point she shared that stuck with me the most was when she said: “If I’m not working on my recovery, then I’m working on my relapse.”

That simple statement hit me pretty hard. What is it that I’m actually working on right now? Am I moving backwards? Am I stagnant? Or am I moving forward?

I find immense comfort in Paul’s writing in Philippians 1:6 (NLT), “And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.” As long as I’m clinging to my precious Jesus, as long as I’m daily (and sometimes hourly!) surrendering myself to Him, He is continuing to work on me. And the most exciting part of this verse for me is that He WILL continue to work on me until that glorious day when my sinful nature is no more.

All praise and glory to my Jesus!!

“For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him.” Philippians 2:13 (NLT)

~joyfully broken