God's Timing is Always on Time

I haven’t written on here in far too long, and for that, I sincerely apologize. Life has been especially crazy lately. In early March, my husband and I were talking and learned we were each feeling God telling us change was around the corner. It wasn’t change that we were to be afraid of, but more like a new direction He would be guiding us towards. We were shocked to discover we each felt this, and in our minds, only reaffirmed that God had some big changes in store for us.

Towards the end of March, we were incredibly blessed to attend CrossPower Ministry’s annual couple’s conference. We had learned about the conference last June at Exodus. Stonegate Fellowship, who hosts the conference, was also at Exodus. We met some great people from their church, became instant friends, and have stayed in contact with them ever since. They insisted we do all we could to attend the CrossPower conference. In addition, our sponsors/mentor couple was invited to attend with us.

The couple’s retreat was amazing and life-changing. We met other couples who have walked the same journey, and with that comes a special bond that cannot be explained. We met some life-long friends that weekend. We were also blessed to hear some great speakers, such as Troy and Melissa Haas…the author of “The Journey” workbook, which dramatically changed my life! It was such an honor to hear from then and continue to learn additional tools of recovery. The best thing about the conference was we realized we are completely normal. In a world that often stigmatizes this issue, I can’t begin to describe the relief we felt when we sat and talked with other couples and realized their struggles and trials were exactly like ours. We left the conference feeling incredibly refreshed and encouraged.

I also walked away with a sense that God wanted me to do more. I shared this with my sponsor, and we agreed to pray about it. A few months later I felt God leading me to approach the counseling ministry at our church. I spoke with the Director and told her about “The Journey” and the huge impact the workbook has had on my life. I told her that I knew I wasn’t the only wife of a recovering SA, and that unfortunately, resources are few and far between for the spouse. She immediately agreed and was excited about the material of the workbook. She ordered her own copy right then! She said she’d review it with the hopes that our church would begin a wives’ support group that would work through the material. I offered to co-lead the group, along with my sponsor who had also offered. I know I can’t push the timing with this possibility, but I’m beyond excited at what may be in store for other wives.

Another exciting adventure that is bringing change is a new life. Unbeknownst to us while we were at the couple’s conference, a new life was beginning! After years of trying, we came home from the conference to discover we were expecting our first baby! This child is a true testimony to God’s grace and healing. To think that our marriage almost didn’t survive its first year, and now, four years later, we are absolutely thrilled about expanding our family. This new baby, which is due mid-December, has already transformed our lives. It has forced us to address things, talk about issues, and work through stuff. Things are not perfect, and never will be this side of heaven, but our relationship has blossomed into something I had only dreamed about. The intimacy and level of communication between us has grown leaps and bounds. We’re learning completely new levels of respect for one another, and the trust that was broken and shattered for so many years is growing, stretching, and continuing to draw us closer to Christ and one another.

God wasn’t kidding when He told us things would change. He apparently felt our housing and financial situation should adjust as well. We’re now in the process of trying to purchase our first home, and I was informed that as of December, I will no longer have a job (where I’ve worked at for the past five years). I’ve already been blessed to find another place of employment after the baby is born, but all of the changes are still quite a bit to adjust to.

I will honestly say that throughout all of this I haven’t felt stressed. From the very beginning I have felt the most amazing sense of comfort and peace. This is another testimony to God’s healing, because “former me” would have had at least three panic attacks by now. Although some of it does feel a bit overwhelming at times. And then last night while reading a devotional, I read:

“God’s timing is always on time.”

The sheer simplicity of the statement made me smile. I often overcomplicate God’s plans. This year has been full of change in our lives, but the timing of each change has been absolutely perfect.

“…But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 3:13,14

~joyfully broken

Experiencing a God Moment

I love how God works. I was immensely blessed to experience a “God moment” today and had to share it.

My dad called wanted to take me to lunch this afternoon. We had a good lunch and talked about generic life stuff. As we were driving back to get my car, my dad handed me a book he’s been reading. He told me that he wanted to loan it to me because as he read it, God laid it on his heart to share it with me. He then read me a page. The words made me want to weep. Mind you, my dad has no idea what I’ve been going through this week, yet he felt the need to share this with me.

The following is what he read. It’s taken from a book called Jesus Calling, by Sarah Young (devotional taken from February 7). The entire book is written as a letter to me (the reader) from Jesus:

“Come to Me for rest and refreshment. The journey has been too much for you, and you are bone-weary. Do not be ashamed of your exhaustion. Instead, see it as an opportunity for Me to take charge of your life.

Remember that I can fit everything into a pattern for good, including the things you wish were different. Start with where you are at this point in time and space, accepting that this is where I intend you to be. You will get through today one step, one moment at a time. Your main responsibility is to remain attentive to Me, letting Me guide you through the many choices along your pathway.

This sounds like an easy assignment, but it is not. Your desire to live in My Presence goes against the grain of ‘the world, the flesh, and the devil.’ Much of your weariness results from your constant battle against these opponents. However, you are on the path of My choosing, so do not give up! Hope in Me, for you will again praise Me for the help of My presence.”

Romans 8:28 (AMP); Psalms 42:11 (NASB)

I’ve since read this passage at least three times and am resting in it right now. There’s no humanly way my dad could have known I needed to hear these words…but God knew.

One of the things that stood out to me the most was that Christ does understand and He does see the emotional and physical exhaustion I’m enduring. But I especially loved the last paragraph:

Much of your weariness results from your constant battle against these opponents [the world, the flesh, and the devil].

I often beat myself up for being so exhausted. Many times I have thought the exhaustion stemmed from the tug-of-war over control between me and God, as that was my former “drug” of choice. I then become depressed because I think, “Gosh, will I ever make any progress in this area?!” However, this passage has made me realize that yes, sometimes I may be tired from trying to control that which is out of my control, but many times—and I think that more often that I realize—the exhaustion is coming from my obedience to a God in a world and environment that is constantly trying to rebel against His ways. I’m so tired because I am fighting an uphill battle in an area that the enemy has gained much ground on. I’m tried because I am mentally obeying my Lord in a sinful body that desires to rebel. I’m tired because I really am on the path God has laid for me.

This latest revelation has me sitting in a sweet peace that passes all understanding.

~joyfully broken

Painful Transparency

Since beginning my recovery journey, one of my goals has been transparency: to share and truly feel whatever it is I’m going through. This post is a very transparent one because right now my heart is wounded and I’m experiencing a lot of pain. I have a wound that seems to never quite heal. I start the healing process, and then for a reason only known by God, it’s ripped open again and again. There’s a passage I often refer to during times like these. I feel it so adequately portrays the hurt and pain I’m feeling.

Taken from "The Journey," by Melissa Haas:

It’s important for you to know that you cannot speed up the grieving process. The losses you have
experienced are very real, and your wounds will need time to fully heal.

Think of it in terms of a big boo-boo. (Bear with me; I am the mother of preschoolers.) Your brother has disobeyed and in the process cut you deeply. Hearing your screams, Daddy runs to you. Taking in the situation, He looks straight into the eyes of His son, His eyes filled with fire and tears at the
same time.

“Son,” He says in His deep, authoritative voice. “Wait for me here until I come back. I need to take care of your sister. You have hurt her very badly.”

Turning His attention to you, Daddy cries, “Oh, my girl! You are bleeding!”

He picks you up in His strong arms and carries you to a safe place. Very gently He explains, “Honey, I have to clean this wound out, and it is really going to hurt. I’m sorry, but if I don’t clean it out, your
wound won’t heal, and you will get very sick. Do you trust me?”

Your child’s heart wants to trust, wants to believe that Daddy has your best interest at heart, but when the first little bit of antiseptic hits the wound, the pain cannot be denied. “Daddy!” you scream, “It hurts!”

“I know, Sweetie. I wish I could make the pain go away.” And as tears drip down His face, He
carefully but firmly cleans out the wound and bandages it.

“Daddy, hold me,” you cry as the tears subside and your sobs turn to shuddered sighs.

“I’m sorry, my love. I’m so sorry.” And as He rocks you, He begins to sing over you and you fall asleep in His arms.

“But now says the Lord, your Creator, O Jacob, and He who formed you, O Israel, ‘Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by my name, You are mine! When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they will not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched, nor will the flame burn you. For I am the Holy One of Israel, your Savior; I have given Egypt as your ransom, Cush and Sheba in your place. Since you are precious in My sight, since you are honored and I love you, I will give other men in your place and other peoples in exchange for your life.’” Isaiah 43:1-4

There are two main things that I love about this scripture passage. First, I cherish the fact that God calls me by name because I belong to Him. I am not just a child, I am HIS child. I am precious to Him and He loves me more than I can fathom. The second is the mention of “through”—through the waters, through the rivers, through the fire. God promises me He will always be with me during the painful times, but He also promises me that the pain will be temporary; to go “through” something means that I will come out on the other side.

My sponsor has encouraged me to soak myself in God’s Word, which if I’m being honest, I haven’t been doing much of lately. I actually haven’t been doing much beyond trying to survive each day and each moment. But her encouragement and prayers brought me to a passage I’ve clung to before in my dark moments. I feel it echoes the pain of my heart perfectly, and then concludes with a beautiful promise that I am holding onto at this moment.

“I am the one who has seen the afflictions that come from the rod of the LORD’s anger. He has led me into darkness, shutting out all light. He has turned his hand against me again and again, all day long.

He has made my skin and flesh grow old. He has broken my bones. He has besieged and surrounded me with anguish and distress. He has buried me in a dark place, like those long dead.

He has walled me in, and I cannot escape. He has bound me in heavy chains. And though I cry and shout, he has shut out my prayers. He has blocked my way with a high stone wall; he has made my road crooked.

He has hidden like a bear or a lion, waiting to attack me. He has dragged me off the path and torn me in pieces, leaving me helpless and devastated. He has drawn his bow and made me the target for his arrows.

He shot his arrows deep into my heart. My own people laugh at me. All day long they sing their mocking songs. He has filled me with bitterness and given me a bitter cup of sorrow to drink.

He has made me chew on gravel. He has rolled me in the dust. Peace has been stripped away, and I have forgotten what prosperity is. I cry out, ‘My splendor is gone! Everything I had hoped for from the LORD is lost!’

The thought of my suffering and homelessness is bitter beyond words. I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this:

The faithful love of the LORD never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning. I say to myself, ‘The LORD is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in him!’

The LORD is good to those who depend on him, to those who search for him. So it is good to wait quietly for salvation from the LORD.

For no one is abandoned by the Lord forever. Though he brings grief, he also shows compassion because of the greatness of his unfailing love. For he does not enjoy hurting people or causing them sorrow.” Lamentations 3:1-26, 31-33 (NLT)

~joyfully broken

Reflections

As this is the first month of a new year, I’ve been spending quite a bit of time reflecting on what God has done in my life the past few years. As usual, I’m in humbled awe. I’m beyond blessed by what God has orchestrated in my life, and felt led to share a little more of our story:

In 2007 God allowed two very broken sinners to marry one another. The first few months of the marriage were far from pleasant. My husband had hidden addictions and I had extremely unrealistic expectations. To compensate for our flaws, my husband was perpetually angry at me and the rest of the world, and I constantly tried to control and manipulate him and every situation around me. Our home was full of lots of hurt and heartache.

Seven months later, God laid it on my husband’s heart to come clean about his addictions. He did and my world shattered. We sought counsel, and were given horrible advice. We pressed on and sought more counsel. This time we were right where God wanted us to be. God began to surround us with godly, grace-filled people who started us on the path of recovery.

But it was far from easy. A few months later, now into 2008, we were encouraged by our counselor to separate. We were too unhealthy for one another and only causing one another more pain and heartache. It was a decision we did not enter into lightly, and Valentine’s weekend my husband moved out.

The months that followed were heart-wrenching. It was during our separation that God was able to get a hold of each one of us…first as individuals, then as a couple. It was also during this time that we each found the Celebrate Recovery ministry. I dove headfirst into my first Step Study. It was then that I finally allowed God to get a hold of my heart…and He’s never let go since. I started to learn to give up my control, stop holding myself and others to unrealistic expectations, let go of past resentments and bitterness, find my self-worth in Christ and not others, live a life full of grace and forgiveness, and become vulnerable enough to allow God the opportunity to heal me.

Nine months after we separated, and after much prayer from our faithful friends and family, we moved back in together. To be honest, we were terrified. Our marriage had been so horrible beforehand, neither one of us wanted to ever experience that type of situation again. But we both felt called to obey what God was telling us, so we took a huge step of faith. And God has blessed us tremendously for that obedience.

Here we are today; over two years have passed since we moved back in. We haven’t been without our struggles or trials, but we’ve never once regretted the decision to reconcile. Our marriage is now full of love, respect, trust, communication, and honesty. We love each other more than we ever thought was humanly possible. We support one another. We pray for and with one another. We laugh together.

In addition to the miraculous healing of our marriage, God has also blessed us with some amazing friends who have helped us walk on this journey. Friends who we consider family. Friends who have never judged, criticized, or condemned, but have helped to hold us up when we thought we couldn’t walk any further. When I get to experience relationships like these, I feel as if God has just blessed me with a little glimpse of heaven.

My husband and I don’t have much when it comes to worldly standards. We don’t have the latest and greatest of gadgets, toys, or cars. But we do have a marriage that honors Him. We have friends and family to do life with. And most importantly, we have our never-wavering relationship with our precious Savior who loves us enough to never give up on us, never condemn and shame us, and wants only what’s best for us. All praise and honor belongs to our precious Jesus.

“Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.” Matthew 6:33 (NLT)

~joyfully broken

If I’m not Recovering, I’m Relapsing

Last month I had unexpected surgery and was home recovering for a few weeks. Lots of friends and family checked in on me and asked how I was doing. My response was almost always the same: “The doctor says I’m recovering wonderfully, but I’m not healing as fast as I want.” This was usually followed by a few chuckles, as people told me they completely understood.

And then today it hit me. How often have I told God that same statement, not regarding my physical healing, but in reference to my own recovery journey? How often have I screamed at God that He wasn’t healing me, my marriage, or my husband fast enough?

“God says I’m recovering wonderfully, I’m right where He wants me to be, I’m doing exactly what He’s asked of me…but it’s simply not good enough for me.”

Ouch. For the record, I detest my horrible pride and I am NEVER comfortable with the revelations God gives me, because usually the problem is always me. I tend to get in the way of me. And if I would only get out of my way, then God can grow and bless me far beyond what I think I actually want.

This past week I was immensely blessed to hear a sweet friend share her testimony. She has an amazing story of pain, hurt, stubbornness, salvation, grace, redemption, and reconciliation. God’s hands and work are so evident in her life, and she continually overflows with the sheer joy He has brought her. Her entire testimony is amazing, but the one point she shared that stuck with me the most was when she said: “If I’m not working on my recovery, then I’m working on my relapse.”

That simple statement hit me pretty hard. What is it that I’m actually working on right now? Am I moving backwards? Am I stagnant? Or am I moving forward?

I find immense comfort in Paul’s writing in Philippians 1:6 (NLT), “And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.” As long as I’m clinging to my precious Jesus, as long as I’m daily (and sometimes hourly!) surrendering myself to Him, He is continuing to work on me. And the most exciting part of this verse for me is that He WILL continue to work on me until that glorious day when my sinful nature is no more.

All praise and glory to my Jesus!!

“For God is working in you, giving you the desire and the power to do what pleases him.” Philippians 2:13 (NLT)

~joyfully broken