The past few months have found me continuing to be stretched and growing along this wonderful journey of growth. I have found myself denying my pride and asking for help. I have found myself sharing, on a regular basis, with an incredible accountability partner. I have found myself asking for prayer and encouragement when all I want to do is crawl into a hole of isolation and denial. I have found myself being open and transparent about my (and our) story.
It’s been painful. It’s been scary. It’s been peace-filled. And it’s been incredibly rewarding.
Just recently, God has laid it on my heart that I need to go through another 12-Step Study (via the Celebrate Recovery Ministry). I started my first Step Study in August 2008. It was life-altering. God revealed so much to me through those seven months. The three biggest ones were:
- I had made my husband my idol. He was my everything. All of my self-worth was tied up into how he looked at me, how he talked to me, how he felt about me. He was the one responsible for fulfilling all of my hopes and dreams. He was to meet my every need. He was my source of hope and joy. I had the most unreasonable expectations placed upon his shoulders because I was trying to stuff him into a hole only God can fill.
- I am a control-addict. My fears and insecurities have made me so fearful, that I try to control the people and the situations around me so I won’t get hurt. By “fixing” and “controlling” others, I could make myself feel safe, needed, and important. For the longest time I had even tried to control my husband’s healing process. I seriously thought I knew how to fix my husband better than God.
- And the most humbling revelation was that I struggle with trusting God. This is the biggest one that I’m still working through. If I truly believed He is God, then I wouldn’t have my control issues. All of my self-worth would be in Him and Him alone. I would trust Him to heal me. I would trust Him to heal my husband. I would trust Him to heal my marriage. And I would trust Him that His way is best and His timing is perfect. I was quite ashamed when I realized my lack of trust in God was actually saying I think I’m smarter than He is, because my ways, methods, and timing are better. In other words, I was idolizing myself! Ouch! Oh how it was painful when that revelation hit me.
During my first Step-Study, my life was filled with lots of painful wounds. My husband and I were separated and I didn’t know if our marriage would survive. I was terrified and timid. I was in full survival mode and only did the necessary things to live day-by-day. But my amazing Jesus helped me to pick up the shattered pieces and begin to put them back together, but in healthier ways.
Two years later, I’m at a completely different stage in my life and in my healing. There are more layers I want to peel back and examine. There are past wounds I want to heal. There are more things I want to move forward on. I’m no longer fearful about being honest with my sponsor. I no longer shy away from accountability partners. I no longer isolate when I’m hurt and wounded. I feel armed and ready to tackle this next stage of my journey.
Now I just have to pray for a new study to start. :)
“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9
~joyfully broken
Your list (1, 2, 3) are ever familiar to me. Specifically #2 (which also lends itself to #3). During my own grief process, I took on (or rather stole from God) the role of The Ultimate Controller of my first husbands healing process. In doing so, I not only told God I knew more than He did, I also disabled my first husbands ability to receive loving support from his spouse (for there was no way he could live up to where I thought he should be), And I sealed my wounds in concrete, that they would be perfectly "in my control." Of course having wounds sealed in concrete means that they wouldn't be able to scab, heal, scar, or fade, but rather would remain cold, hard, heavy, and uncomfortable places in my heart and soul, AND bricks I would constantly stub my toes on.
ReplyDeleteLike you, the admission that the reason I'm always fearful is because I don't trust that God is GOD freaked me out! "Of course I trust God! He's the only reason I've been able to get this far since my world collapsed!" I would say to myself. But that was again, merely me taking control and 'rationalizing' God into position to make myself feel better- like I had control..
Thankfully, God IS God regardless of if I really do trust Him to be, or if I only give lip service to that effect. And He used my need to have control of all the pain, and the hows and whys of the healing process for His glory- not mine! (By all means, not to my glory! In fact I think I did nearly everything in my power to make an idiot of myself by 'thinking' I could handle things.)
Anyhow, of course this is an ongoing journey, but I want you to know how loved and admired you are for being so open with your sharing. And also, as you know, you're not alone. To be broken, joyfully, is giving up the control and trusting God to be God. Unfearfully.